Great Comic War of 2003

Many things can be said about this incident, pivotal in securing Guam as EGBT's base of operations, and responsible for the ecological disaster known as the "Snake Browning".

Fortunately, the reader does not have to hear the many things that happened. Instead you may view it. Below. It starts here.

Causes
There have been two main theories as to how the Main Battle began.

Boredom
The first is that Shi was bored. And I mean really, really bored. Like, I am going to draw pictures of people online, and have them fight to the death bored. While this would explain much, it doesn't really explain anything, now does it?



Pre-Party Era Isolationism
The second, and in the context of the story, sans breaking the fourth wall, much more likely explanation is that Shi had not been invited to the party that everyone else in EGBT were attending. As we see later on this is more of a isolationist stance than any, since Shi, at the time and just prior to said party, was known not to check his private messages.



Johnny Bravo Envy
A third, though less accepted theory, is that Shi had it out for Johnny Bravo. Some historians believe that due to certain illicit activities between Lady J and Johnny drove Shi insane with rage. He was known to have said, "You'll all pay....", though at the time it was not known if he was referring to Lady J and Johnny, or the more likely scenario that he was referring to the Shi Bought Everyone Ice Cream and Nobody Payed Him Incident of 2002 that happened the prior year. Who knows?

This much we can be sure of, 2002 did, indeed, come before 2003.



Chronology, Casualties, Losses, Gains
While many of the details of each battle remain vague and college-rules, an internal audit of EGBT's tax records show that during the main conflict some people died. But hey, that's war, right?

While many of the people involved have since be resurrected as part of some Crazy Ass Experiment&trade;, it was noted that some people's death ended up netting a gain for EGBT, and this lead to many other such economic changes such as a kinder MOTD, reforms in administrator policy, and a value menu.

Frilly Escape, Cactuar One-Half
One of the more heroic feats that happened early on was the evacuation of all the comic bimbos that don't have names or strong plot device-iveness by Arctic Reaper. In reflection, this was a good decision, since his frillies really weren't very impressive at all. One of the first casualties was a Cactuar.



Clone Comic Battle
Little did EGBT know that Shi had mastered the illusion technique of "making a pencil look like it is made of rubber while my clones sneak up behind you". However resourceful they were, EGBT was caught off-guard. Fortunately a photographer was known to extensively document the battle. From these records we were able to piece together that while Shi had mastered the technique itself, it really wasn't that good in the first place. This would lead him to take a more pro-active role in the coming battles. It is also speculated that this was the turning point in the war, during which the Yobhguod Project was initiated.



Making Out, EGBT Style
In a bold attempt to stop Shi early on, Sue Aside and Deadman at first tried to reason with, and then eventually fought Shi in hand-to-hand combat. They were equipped with the latest, at the time, technology out of EGBT Labs. This included a Holier-than-Thou&trade; T-shirt (blessed in part by Cignul9, Bananafishbones, and Forum, to represent the three forces of discussion that rule over everything) and a Wacom tablet with a special "I don't even own a dildo!"&trade; attachment.

In addition to this they also had access to ancient magical attacks that included "Manager Special Attack!" and "かわいい！". Barely able to subdue Shi, the duo decided to unleash a torrent of energy the likes that had never been seen outside the Inappropriate Place, the dreaded Make Out Session! Unfortunately the two were not powerful enough to overcome Shi's immunity to, ahem, that kind of thing. The energies proved to be too much for them, and they were consumed by the need to "get a room". They were not seen for the rest of the war.



Hacker, Ravers, and Glow Sticks. Oh my!
In what many historians believe to be the best part of the war also happens to be a major turning point for Shi. This is due to the sudden indecision from the highest public authority in EGBT as how to approach the battle at hand. It was only after a tremendous show of mental and physical prowess that Shi decided he had no chance against Lucifex and Mikuru. In an incredible act of drawing and wit, Shi was able to take both great warriors out of the scene.

The events surrounding any further happenings between the parties involved in the aforementioned negotiation are strictly censored on this planet. All participants, regardless of appearance, were over 18 years of age.



Of Chevrolets and Phoenix Downs
Having passively "disposed" of two powerful warriors, it was time Shi fought a horribly overachieving nerd and EGBT lackey...

Centerius the Mevarious!

With his twinkie-enhanced might, Centerius was able to defeat Shi very quickly by means of a Chevrolet. However, given that there was no actual make or model features, it is thought that Cent made it from a hobbyist kit.

It is rumored that in his dying breath Shi said, "What the fuck?" Ironically, the answer was, "A truck".

While this could have been the end of this conflict, it turns out there were powers at work that was beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. Or something. In a windfall of luck, Shi found himself an ally in Living Dead, an entity infused with so much inductive angst that it has developed the ability to administer Phoenix Downs to those wrongly run over by trucks. Living Dead also has the ability to shapeshift, but details concerning that ability have been sealed by the courts per a settlement with University of California.

In a wicked counter-attack Cent was crushed by what is commonly referred to as a "hack", involving him being crushed by the same Chevrolet. In the aftermath it was discovered that the truck had been filled with knives along with a simple note, "Love, Grandma". This is thought to have some connection to Living Dead.

Newbie Newberson likes pie.



Intermission
bLuEbOy Is PoGi.



The Gold Paper
Near the end of the war there was a leaked document found in a bottle in the Ocean of Guam. Dubbed the Gold Paper, due to there only being one sheet, and it mostly talking about gold, it became an important source of disambiguation, and has had paradigm shifting effects, such as inspiring Jim Wales to found Wikipedia so he could, "get this disambiguity thing down".

It also brought a close to hostilities internal to EGBT. However, it would not be in time to stop the Yobhguod Project from finishing.



The Repressed Oregonite That Could
Unfortunately the upper management had not been paying attention to the control panel, or something, and the test subject began showing signs of intense stress and agitation. In the short time before meltdown Yobhguod would act erratically, often talking as if it were the authority on some subject, or inviting people to his house and then not letting them stay. In the end his (and EGBT's) embarrassment was too much. His secret power that had been cultivated at an advanced rate was unleashed, and all perished.



Historical Perspective
History has shown that some people just can't take the time to read the history. For those of you who are like that (and will never know if I am telling the truth), here is the complete Great Comic War of 2003.























Controversy
As odd as it may seem, there are some who think that the above is not what really happened. Such "questionists" often bring up the "World Didn't End" argument. In reply to such "questioningist" tendencies, EGBT historians have been hard at work to silence any who would utter such nonsense.

Why didn't the world end?
Some people are so pessimistic. The fact of the matter is that the amount of Sexual Frustration&trade; felt in the Yobhguod Project was so immense that it collectively repressed the memory of the event on the whole planet. Since everyone knows that reality is the collective belief of all sentient beings participating in a mind-numbing, soul-crushing, and important-thing-hyphenating dance called life. And so, the very event itself was undone to retain the shred of dignity left to us on our lonely little floating rock in space.

That is not say that the repression-loop-thingie didn't have its side-effects. For example, Guam is no long a volcanic mountain in Australia. Heck, it doesn't even have its own ocean anymore. And when was the last time you saw a green snake around the base?

Why can EGBT members remember the events?
Because to participate in reality is to live. The reverse of that is to evil. And we are, so we control reality instead. That is the easiest way to describe it.

The Otterpop Experiments
For those "questionists" who are just not satisfied with how reality turned out, there is evidence that alternative scenarios happened in parallel dimensions. A series of Crazy Ass Experiment&trade;s concerning the effects of mind-altering drugs mixed with "moon pheromones" were administered to the Otterpop Squad. On the the commanders of the squad had a series of hallucinations that are thought to have been visions of one such alternative dimension. What follows is codename blue.otterpop's rendition of what he saw.



Obviously there is a strong correlation between this dimension and the one blue.otterpop saw. The Yobhguod Project was still created, but EGBT is controlled by some kind of benevolent sex organ overlord. It may be the experiment was not produced to combat Shi at all, but rather as a type of "opiate for the masses" toy.

Subsequent "journeys" into that world were not as successful, and blue.otterpop had to eventually be taken out of the program due to a cranial obtrusion, hair loss, and parental concern.

Shi Apologists
Despite overwhelming evidence contrary, there exists some who deny that the Great Comic War of 2003 ever happened at all. One such person is a renowned Shi biographer, Klepto. He believes that much of the legend behind Shi's immortalization after begin run over by Centerius is due to underground resistance groups using his likeness after he was assassinated early on in the conflict. What follows was supposedly recorded from a nearby bush at the incident.



Why this would shed light on possible inconsistencies due to miscommunication during the war, it is generally discounted as either the mad ravings of a lunatic, or light reflecting off of swamp gas hovering above a bitmap image program.

Yobhguod Project
Finally, the most misunderstood aspect of the war was how EGBT was able to harness such amazing power in the end. Due to recent declassification policies and drunken parties in the EGBT Records Department, the following documentation has been released to the general public. Please be aware that the following images may not be safe for work, church, state, home, wildlife preserve, or "alone time".





Shocking, I know.